Dear Zoe,
On this day, the one-year anniversary of your passing, I want the world to know what it lost: the brightest light, the sincerest Angel, the foremost Prophet of love.
And I want the world to know what I lost: My One. True. Love.
Babygirl, I pray that you’re happy. I pray that you no longer know the word “pain”. I pray that my heart will one day understand the concept that we never really “lose” a body but rather, in death, we gain a spirit.
Because I still do not understand. I want you here in body, screw spirit. And screw anybody who tells me “she’s with you in spirit” because they don’t know what it’s like to lose you.
But I do. I know what it’s like.
Sweetheart, time has not done what it promised: it has not lessened the pain of your passing. It has not glued my heart, that shattered as if glass on the day you died, back together…
…and I have stopped asking it to. I think time knows how extraordinary you were and its efforts at soothing the bitter blow of your absence are futile.
Zoe. Zoe. Zoe.
Always on the tip of my brain, my heart, my tongue. Your name beats in my chest. It sways with the trees in the wind.
It’s in the whispers between the rain.
It’s in the poetry on my body dedicated to you.
Zoe.
Zoe.
Zoe.
Loving you made me better. You made me more honorable in the world and you showed me how far I would go to save your life, the life of my soul mate…
…so I had no idea the best way to love you would be to let you go. That it would be the truest, deepest and clearest expression of my love for you.
And everyday, my girl, I pray that I did right by you. And if you say yes, I did, then I pray that I will continue to do right by you.
To honor your purpose. To be better because of you.
Absolutely beautiful. Love. You. Alisen.
ReplyDeleteAlisen, there isn't a dry eye in the house. You write beautifully. I have always been amazed by how much you allow yourself to feel, how much you love. We can all learn from you. No wonder you seem like more of a goddess than mere mortal. Zoe was very lucky to have such a devoted friend and loved one while she was here.
ReplyDeleteSome one is never really gone as long as you keep them in your thoughts and heart.
ReplyDeletecraig4brown@yahoo.com.au
Dear Alisen, We don't know each other, but I still feel the need to tell you.
ReplyDeleteJust weeks ago I lost my kitty Ingrid, my little mousy. I try to distract myself with TV-shows. That's how I "stumbled" across you. And finally came to this very page.
What you wrote made me cry and warmed my heart at the same time. My little one showed me how much I can love and be loved myself. But still, with all my love, I wish I could have done better, have done it right. Everybody tells me I did. But no one knows, except her.
I don't know, what to believe. About spirits and souls and all these theories. I just wish and hope, that my baby is well. That one day, we'll meet again. So I can close her into my arms and ask her.
Probably it doesn't help to let you know, that you're not alone with your feelings, doubts and prayers. But you helped me, even if this wasn't your intention. So I had to write to you.
I pray, your little Zoe can hear you. And I wish for you, that your prayers will also be heard.
It's now one and a half year after your post. I hope, that time indeed was kind and has lessened your pain, but without taking all the invaluable memories from you.
<3 LL